Warrior Lover

So… that was just a small part of my journey. Yet for me, it is as significant as the journey itself. Looking back, it was never just about winning or losing—it was about transforming. Every step, every ache, every moment of hesitation and resolve shaped me into the warrior I am today. The past no longer holds me captive; it simply stands as a fond memory. What once felt like an unshakable storm, has now settled into a quiet understanding. And now, the path ahead is clear—not weighed down by what was, but strengthened by what I have become. I underwent this transformation—not by myself, but with the compassion, direction, faith and guidance of many people. Masters, co-warriors, friends, family—even opponents and strangers. To them, I’m forever indebted. To all who walked with me in this journey—through its joys and jolts, its fleeting hopes and rocking farewells—I express my heartfelt gratitude. Thank you for cheering, for empathizing, and for simply being here. I thank you especially ...

At that moment came one realization—truth is never heavy. It is the pretense of truth, the mindless mental reassurances, despite clear evidences showing otherwise, that weigh the heart down. I closed my eyes, feeling the lightness—perhaps for the first time in years. When I opened them, she had already left. And for the first time, my eyes didn’t search for her. And just like that, all the chapters I had imagined so vividly, the dreams I dared to believe in, all faded into silence. I sought solitude, needing space to process it all. I cried my heart out, until the last bit of grief emptied from me. Then I laughed—not in madness, but in surrender. In acceptance. The flame inside me started to flicker. Having no heart to see it die, I left it there, trusting time to decide its fate. And I walked upright – towards my calling. In that moment, I was split into two—this me, and that me. That me, who went running back to the struggling flame, still protecting and tending to it. And this me, h...

As I remained on my knees, still absorbing the shock, she spoke loftily—about how feelings are fleeting, how the heart is brittle, how heartbreak is not the end of the world, and so on. But her words went over me, distant and weightless. In the backdrop, the fortress I had fondly crafted was crumbling. And here she was, lecturing on how to handle an emotional setback. To me. A warrior! I knew very well, that love is given freely, or not given at all. Love when given, is given out of love only – not in reciprocation, gratitude or even as a gift. At this time, I needed no lessons, not even comfort – I needed just the truth. I stood up and looked at her—she still hadn’t finished her lecture. Despite my grief, I could still see that she had chosen kindness all this time—at least in words—when she could have been abrupt and harsh. She did not want my heart, yet she cared enough not to break it mercilessly. She did not deny, or even question its genuineness. She did not diminish me or my fee...

The connection remained, despite being grounded in an imbalance—mostly by my effort. There was a reasonable connect, friendly most of the time, but sometimes a hint of disinterest was visible. I chose to ignore those moments - or thought of them as a test, or a game. But soon I could see, the chase was never ending. I could no longer play along. And so, when the moment felt right, I spoke again. Fine… the moment wasn’t perfect. Not even alright. But I couldn’t keep waiting forever, so I just blurted it out—in a moment that was neither perfect nor awkward. Okay, fine! It was awkward. Horribly, painfully awkward. But whatever! And I waited. No—actually, I braced. For her response. But she did what she does… again! She was silent. Seconds stretched. Stretched more. Strangely, this time, the silence did not test my calm—it added to it. But my intuition whispered— Run! Before she speaks a word! "Okay, see you again!" I announced and turned to walk, as if this was just another casu...

 Did I push too hard? Perhaps, but I do not regret it. It was worth it. It was as if the door to a colorful life—the dream life of my younger self—was stuck closed, calling for my effort to only give it a little push. That, I went ahead and did – there was no need for a second thought about it.  How could I let the flame, that I once saw glowing bright, to just go off? Even if I had let it dimmer for a while? But I had to pay a price for my recklessness.   She did not speak. I had done my part. I had stepped forward, made my stand, and given my truth—not as a plea, but as a declaration. Yet, in matters of the heart, one will alone cannot dictate the course. I could fight battles, break barriers, and even defy reason—but I could not command her heart. That choice would always be hers. And if her silence was her answer, then so be it. Newer fields, newer battles – handed me a variety of thrills and lessons. Yet in the midst of those, I kept wondering—was this truly ove...

Growth had brought inertia, time had created hesitation, but neither was forbidding enough. I reached out – and was pleasantly welcomed! Unlike in the academy days, restraints were no longer as limiting. I continued communicating, appreciating the opportunity that life had presented once more. I thanked providence, for bringing her back to me yet another time – as it always did! But this time it was different. In this newfound joy, I overlooked something that was in plain sight – something that would come back to bite me later. There was a new balancing act I had begun. Communicate to impress, but don’t overdo. Move forward, but not too much. Excitement and nervousness started to show. She must have noticed it. Maybe she secretly acknowledged it. I hoped so. However to the contrary, I increasingly sensed caution in her responses. At one point, she openly made it clear—she hoped I no longer held those ‘old intentions’ and wouldn’t let them resurface to ruin this reconnect. Was she serio...

I had just started an intense conversation. Shock may have kicked in—perhaps even excitement. My hopes and joy had no bounds. Giving her time to process it felt only fair. Besides, what was there to hurry? These were moments to cherish. Moments to revisit and laugh during old age. But when I reached out again, she still held her stance. On asking why, she clarified—there was no space for such thoughts in her mind. I said, fair enough, I could wait. But as though she had lost her temper—in a stern, but still friendly voice—she said she could not continue speaking if I kept bringing this up. I smiled, because I believed in the roots. The delay—or even the uncertainty—of the shoots seeing the light did not scare me. I told myself, I got my credentials; she hasn’t yet. So I should hold on to patience until time arrives. I may be reckless in training and battles, but in matters of the heart? I am extremely patient! Fine... turbulent inside, but self-restrained on the outside. So I waited. M...

Having a credential of my own, being on the path to my calling—even when the  path was yet to be fully figured out—gave me an immensity of courage. So much that I had to temper it with humility. With both courage and humility, I reached out to her—in the guise of sharing my milestone. She congratulated me—courteously and measured. I had expected a hint of celebration, but there wasn’t. Anyway. After some small talk, when the conversation began to stall, I knew it was time to open up. I readied myself to speak what I had restrained for years. I sensed neither anticipation nor resistance from her. Perhaps a trace of caution, but this was not the time to retreat, or hold back, was it? So I spoke, bracing for whatever that may come. I told her of the admiration I had carried for her all along. Nervously, unable to find other words, I repeated myself, this time with emphasis. She was silent. A silence that stretched long enough to test my calm. I asked if she understood what I had just ...

The night began in turmoil. Do I dwell on the uncertainty that has just begun, or do I celebrate one of the calmest conversations I’ve had with her—possibly the last—knowing I did not falter as I had feared? Something significant just happened – how do I navigate the rest of the journey? Above all, will she think of me as well, or will the distance and new circumstances dilute and wash away my memory? Enough with the questions. I had my souvenir—I slept holding it. But providence.. does not let me down, does it? Months later, it offered a way to communicate again. Part luck, part trick and part push from the universe - I grabbed what it offered – and prepared to connect. Communicating wasn’t as simple as just showing up anymore. Distance and circumstances had woven new layers of complexity. I needed reasons—excuses—to reach out. Some I found, some I created.  I got another medal? I reached out and spoke. A festival arrived? I reached out and spoke. The tsunami struck? I reached out...

I went to see her, with no special preparation or plan. I had already come to accept that this might very well be the last glimpse of her. I did not want to blemish the moment with any expectations or preconceptions. I wanted to fully savor the moment, as it occurred, without forcing what I wanted. I wished her good luck on her new path. Asked where she’s headed, what her plans were, and how she felt about leaving the city she grew up in. She responded courteously. As I was leaving, I made sure to tell her—I never saw this coming. She remained silent, looking down. I handed her a sign. She took it hesitantly, or perhaps with caution - I couldn't tell, but did not resist. Whether she understood, again, I couldn’t tell. But when I asked for one in return, she gave it—measured, reserved, almost similar in tone to mine. I hold it dear to me. A souvenir, a talisman, my most treasured keepsake - that meant much more to me than what she may have intended.

A decision was made, but courage was not gathered. Unsure of my next step, I took refuge in the old academy gardens. The ones I had strolled through playfully, never with any seriousness. Yet now, I sought from them direction and strength. But gardens do not hold grudges. Without speaking, they answered. A single drop of water fell in the still pool, sending ripples that went far and wide, painting an art so effortlessly. As if nature itself was telling me - even a tiny step, taken at the right time, can set great things in motion. And that was the push I needed to act. I stood up decisively and walked. At this defining juncture in the story, I wish to pause, and take a moment to thank all of you who have walked with me this far. Until now, you’ve seen me moving forward, but fueled only by hope, without any direct connection with her. But starting next episode, that begins to change—I will finally take a step closer, face to face with the truth. What do you think will happen? Share you...

I had graduated the academy – but my name was etched in the academy hall of fame board. I was celebrating, not for my limelight, but because there was something in the academy constantly reminding her of me. But is she going to be in the academy forever? There came her graduation—and with it, the news that she was leaving the city, going far away. I didn’t hear it from her though, only through whispers, once again. Was the universe nudging me to act? Was it time to move beyond mere silent celebration, to actual revelation? What credentials did I have, to even think of grand declarations? Time was running out - she was leaving the very next day! The train of questions weren’t helping. I told myself—just one last meeting before she leaves. Slip a sign. If she acknowledges, it’s a moment to cherish. If not—well, no one will notice the embarrassment.

The new academy invited me to the annual ceremony—to facilitate and award me for academic excellence. Sweet! I readied myself to attend in my best appearance. Not because I was receiving an award from an eminent dignitary, but because there was a chance. A chance to see her! I waited at the ceremony hall, surrounded by friends who cheered for me. But I knew what I was looking for—they knew too! Providence didn't let me down. She did come around. Came closer, but spoke only to the other friends. Wah re! Did she really ignore me for an eternity, or did it just feel like it? I had been so invested in just seeing her that I forgot to prepare for what I would say when I actually did. And here she was—animated in conversation, but not with me! And there I sat, my mind completely blank—caught between anticipation and hesitation. Then, just like that, she turned away and almost left—without a word to me. Leaving me stunned! All this waiting, all this journey, all this turmoil—was it all ab...

All through the new academy life, I measured my words, I restrained my gestures. Yet, in silence, I held her thoughts close, guarding what was precious. But would she be knowing? I excelled in the academy, in most disciplines. I had my share of triumphs and humiliations—but they all mattered. Not just as personal accomplishments, but as a way to stay relevant, to stay visible—to her. Friends noticed. They mocked my strange behavior—trying to reach her in every way, except actually reaching her! I ignored them. It wasn’t strange for me. It was me. Graduation arrived too soon. Another separation loomed. Fear crept in—had I, in all my careful balance, failed to truly reach her? Even in warrior training—where I went after graduating from the academy—her whispers found their way to me. I heard she had fondly spoken about me, even after I had left. I had nothing more to say than sending a whisper back, wishing her good luck, and greeting her for upcoming festivals. I believe it reached her. ...

The academy is a place of discipline. Attachments do not have a place here. I knew it. She knew it too. So, I presume we both stayed within boundaries—those of the academy and the ones we imposed on ourselves. But what excuse could I give myself for not even offering a welcome? For not openly expressing my happiness at seeing her again? Too much was at stake. The academy’s decorum mattered. If we attracted undue attention, the providence which brought her closer, could take her away too! The risk of overwhelming her, of pushing her away with impatience, was there as well. I couldn’t let overflowing emotions disrupt the academic focus either—hers or mine. Whenever I had to choose between being there for her and upholding the academy’s discipline, I chose the academy. I told myself - the academy life would eventually end, but what we shared would live beyond. That was my firm faith.

I had prepared myself for a life without her presence, yet here she was—unbelievably, undeniably real, and near! A w

Emboldened by the whispers, I found reasons—one 'academy task' or another 😉—to return to the old academy a couple of times. The whispers weren’t enough. I needed to see it in her eyes. I had to tell her—without actually speaking—'I know. It’s mutual. 😊' But providence had its own plans. It never let me get close to her – yet. I knew well that hope does not nourish a plant. Nature might have planted the seed, momentum might have led to roots taking hold, but one question lingered. With me here and the plant there—in an inaccessible garden—how could I water it, tend to it, and care for it? Providence answered it for me. I opened my eyes in the middle of academy prayer one day—what I saw made it impossible to hold my stance or continue the prayer. The hidden, rooted seed—once distant—was now before me! She was in the new academy! The other day, her eyes were waving and palms were clapping, in applause – facing me. Today her eyes are closed and palms are together, in pr...

My departure from the old academy was unceremonious—I left almost unnoticed. Or so I thought! But if the whispers were true, my absence was not only felt—it was felt deeply. By her! Apparently, she was heard murmuring, “How could he leave without saying goodbye?” Yes! This was no longer mere wishful thinking. The seeds had been planted, and now there was proof of roots taking hold. It was only a matter of time, before the plant shoots up, and flowers bloom. Who wouldn’t dance?

The new academy wasn’t all that different. Its hallways echoed the old ones, its gardens whispered of familiar memories. Yet, it lacked the one thing that mattered most—her presence. I found old friends there, and made new friends. I grew my roots there, tried to find nourishment in whatever it offered. It wasn’t too far from the old academy. Therefore, whispers from there often found their way here. Just as I was settling in, one such whisper reached my ears. It shook me, thrilled me, made me forget my surroundings, made me jump up and dance!

It wasn’t my decision – nor was it in my power to resist. I had to leave—for another academy. As I stepped out, the gardens and hallways, once just a backdrop to my days, suddenly felt alive with meaning. An unseen bond tied me to them—one I never truly recognized until this moment of separation. And yet, I broke it. I walked past heavy heartedly. In the heaviness of it all, I even forgot to say goodbye. Auch.